Pampers Diapers

Fifty years ago, Victor Mills revolutionized the way babies messed themselves when he introduced a new invention: the disposable diaper. Thus the Pampers^® brand was born. Landfills and newborn tushies have never been the same. And the brand has become so ubiquitous, people will often refer to diapers simply as "Pampers" -- much like people call facial tissues "Kleenex," medical bandages "Band-Aids" and babies "Evan Jakes." (Okay, maybe I'm stretching a little bit on that last one.)

Since Pampers^® disposable diapers have been around for so long and have been worn by generations of American babies, it's difficult to find a truly fresh and objective approach to review their products. So I've developed a few tests based on classic scientific experiments to develop my own assessment. For each experiment a single clean size 4 Pampers^® Baby Dry™ diaper was taken directly from the packaging in which it had been stored at room temperature at standard atmospheric pressure and humidity for 72 hours. In each instance a control diaper was excluded and worn by the tester for the duration of the experiment for comparative results.

Superabsorbency
How much liquid can these diapers hold anyway? This experiment was designed to show just how much liquid an intact disposable diaper can contain. A 4-ounce sippy cup was filled to capacity with water and poured directly into the diaper -- essentially removing the middle-baby. Blue food coloring was added to the water for that cool effect they get in the commercials.

Results: The diaper easily absorbed a single sippy cup of water. Good news for us babies. The diaper also easily absorbed a second and third 4-ounce sippy cup. At this point, the diaper lining became noticeably swollen and heavy, but it did not leak. A fourth 4-ounce sippy cup was poured onto the diaper. The diaper absorbed a total of 16-ounces of liquid without any leakage. The diaper, now quite turgid from all the liquid, was disected to reveal the superabsorbent polymers inside. Click here for a photo. The control diaper worn for the duration of the experiment also absorbed the contents of the tester's sippy cup consumed earlier that morning. The volume absorbed was considerably less than four sippy-cups worth. No trip to the baby urologist required.

Accelerated Oxidation
For this test, a single diaper was introduced to an ignition source to determine it's properties of flamability. The tester sought supervision from his Dadda for this experiment, while Momma observed with an annoyed look. The diaper was placed on a sheet of aluminum foil on the backyard family barbeque. A lighted match was placed in the tushy area of the diaper while Dadda stood by with a pitcher of water in case things got out of control.

Results: It took several seconds for the diaper to fully ignite. At first, there was just smoke as the plastic coating melted. The paper and fabric then slowly burned in a dull orange flame. It took several minutes for the entire diaper to catch on fire. Click here for a photo. The burning happened so slowly that Dadda became bored with the experiment and doused the flames to extinguish the smoldering diaper. The control diaper worn by the tester remained dry and clean throughout the test and safely away from the flames. The control diaper, however, was unable to extinguish the burning sensation caused by a case of diaper rash acquired a few days earlier. The sound of the water pouring on the burning diaper did induce the tester to wet myself. The liquid was acceptably contained.

Applied Gravatational Fields
Can a diaper protect a falling bottom and any messy contents therein? For this experiment, a store-bought Grade A chicken egg was wrapped in a diaper and dropped from the second floor of our townhome down to the carpeted basement via an open stairwell.

Results: The egg broke. What, are you surprised? But the yolk, shell and egg whites were all neatly contained without the diaper leaking or rupturing onto the basement carpeting. Click here for a photo.The control diaper worn by the tester did experience a drop of approximately 18 inches during the experiment. This gravitational accelleration was caused by the tester having an oopsie on his bottom when running across the kitchen floor to get an egg out of the refrigerator. As in the case of the subject diaper, the control did not rupture or leak after the fall and actually provided a protective padding to the aforementioned tushy preventing any unnecessary tears.

Dactylographic Assessment
Can a diaper write Shakespeare? Applying classic theories of probability, as redirected from Emile Borel's theorems, this experiment was designed to determine whether or not an infinite number of diapers sitting at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time could replicate a work by William Shakespeare.

Results: Given that the tester was only supplied with a "Jumbo" pack, containing 34 diapers, testing the infinite theorem proved impractical. However, it was observed that a single disposable diaper, after being placed in front of a computer for 40 minutes, did not demonstrate any keyboarding capabilities. For an additional 40 minutes, the diaper was left in front of the keyboard with a volume of Shakespeare's plays open and in visible sight. No change could be identified. Click here for a photo. It is therefore concluded that a disposable diaper cannot write Shakespeare. The control diaper remained comfortably fitting during the course of this experiment but failed to contain an odor emitting from what Shakespeare might have referred to as a "poopie in thine pants." Which leads me to believe that a Pampers^® by any other name would still smell as stinky.

Quantam Diapers
I call this final experiement "Schroedinger's Diaper." Based on a classic thought experiment used in quantam mechanics to describe the superposition of subatomic particles, this test evaluated whether or not a disposable diaper can exist in multiple states simultaneously. For the experiment, a clean diaper was placed into a sealed box with a precariously balanced sippy cup full of water. Also sealed in the box was a kitty cat. If the kitty cat freaked out, the liquid would spill and soil the diaper. If the kitty cat stayed calm and took a nap, as she does most of the time anyway, the liquid would not spill and the diaper would remain clean. Because there are no external indicators of the two possible outcomes, at the moment before the lid is opened the diaper is both soiled and clean.

Results: The cat was too fast and too wiggly for me to get her in the box. So a stuffed polyester replica of a kitty cat was sealed in the box instead. Click here for a photo. When the lid was opened, the pretend kitty cat had not moved, the water had not spilled and the diaper remained clean. The control diaper worn during the experiment had meanwhile become soiled by the tester. However, the diaper did such a good job of containing any leaks that the tester's Dadda didn't even notice I was badly overdue for a diaper change. When Momma pointed this out, Dadda refused to acknowledge his neglect. Therefore, the diaper was both soiled and clean at the same time, proving the ability for a disposable diaper to exist in two different states simultaneously.

Summary of Findings
Pampers^® Baby Dry™ diapers hold a lot of liquid -- more than any human baby can put out in a reasonable time period. They burn slowly but do not extinguish diaper rash. They are well padded and protect your tushy while preventing rupture. They do such a good job of keeping babies dry, they can be both clean and soiled at the same time. What they can't do is write Shakespeare.

I would say Pampers^® Baby Dry™ diapers are so comfortable and absorbent, that one wonders why potty training is even necessary. I see Dadda always having to get up from in front of the TV or Momma having to stop the car to go to the potty. Meanwhile I can sit for hours and never have to move thanks to my Pampers^®!

Rating
Preferred Choice -- Highly recommended

~:O