B&O Railroad Museum

All Aboard!
Today Dadda took me out on a special trip to the Baltimore & Ohio Railroad Museum in downtown Baltimore. I had a great time, just me and Dadda.

I got in for free because Dadda lied about my age and said I was under two. Man, he's cheap. I thought for sure he'd break out that old college ID of his for an extra discount, too. But that didn't happen. I guess he's realized it's hard to pass for 19 when you have a two-year old with you.

The B&O Railroad Museum celebrates the oldest railway in the US and the history of trains. Dating back to 1830, the tracks leading out of the museum are part of the first railroad in America. The museum is housed inside the old train roundhouse where they would spin around big trains and move them from place to place. It's a huge building filled with lots of big trains and engines.

I have lots of books on trains and have seen them on my videos a lot, but I'd never gotten to see a real train up close. So this museum was a special treat. That's me in the second picture standing in front of a giant steam engine.

Not only were there real live trains, there were also huge displays of toy trains. There were all these old men playing with the toy trains and they wouldn't let any of us kids touch them. All of the train sets were really elaborate and huge. They would fill our entire house and then some! I loved watching them pass by. The toy trains were amazing.

After marveling at the toy trains, Dadda took me outside where we got to go on a real train ride! Behind the museum, they have some old MARC commuter trains that everyone gets to ride on. (Who says MARC trains don't run on the weekends!) The conductor yelled, "All aboard!" and I rushed to take my window seat. The train slowly pulled out of the station and I could hardly contain my excitement. My first train ride!

The train ride lasted about 20 minutes total and headed about a mile into west Baltimore and back. Unlike the model trains that travel through miniature bucolic woods, alongside tiny neon-lit diners and past replica Victorian train stations, this big train runs through some of the worst slums in North America. I've heard the phrase, "the other side of the tracks," but it looked pretty bad on both sides! At one point, Dadda had to shield me from a lewd act being performed in the bushes next to the tracks.

Despite the bleak tour of graffiti tagged buildings, rust yards and illicit behaviors, I loved the train ride. When we pulled back into the station, I dashed off with a spring in my step.

The roundhouse and the collection inside was severely damaged when the historic roof collapsed after a 2003 blizzard. But you wouldn't know it today. The B&O Railroad Museum is one of Baltimore's true gems and maintains it direct connection to America's past -- blemishes and all. It's an institution everyone in Baltimore (and America) should be supporting as they fully rebuild. I'll definitely be asking Dadda to take me back there again some day soon! Maybe he won't skimp them out on my admission next time.

~:O

Pampers Diapers

Fifty years ago, Victor Mills revolutionized the way babies messed themselves when he introduced a new invention: the disposable diaper. Thus the Pampers^® brand was born. Landfills and newborn tushies have never been the same. And the brand has become so ubiquitous, people will often refer to diapers simply as "Pampers" -- much like people call facial tissues "Kleenex," medical bandages "Band-Aids" and babies "Evan Jakes." (Okay, maybe I'm stretching a little bit on that last one.)

Since Pampers^® disposable diapers have been around for so long and have been worn by generations of American babies, it's difficult to find a truly fresh and objective approach to review their products. So I've developed a few tests based on classic scientific experiments to develop my own assessment. For each experiment a single clean size 4 Pampers^® Baby Dry™ diaper was taken directly from the packaging in which it had been stored at room temperature at standard atmospheric pressure and humidity for 72 hours. In each instance a control diaper was excluded and worn by the tester for the duration of the experiment for comparative results.

Superabsorbency
How much liquid can these diapers hold anyway? This experiment was designed to show just how much liquid an intact disposable diaper can contain. A 4-ounce sippy cup was filled to capacity with water and poured directly into the diaper -- essentially removing the middle-baby. Blue food coloring was added to the water for that cool effect they get in the commercials.

Results: The diaper easily absorbed a single sippy cup of water. Good news for us babies. The diaper also easily absorbed a second and third 4-ounce sippy cup. At this point, the diaper lining became noticeably swollen and heavy, but it did not leak. A fourth 4-ounce sippy cup was poured onto the diaper. The diaper absorbed a total of 16-ounces of liquid without any leakage. The diaper, now quite turgid from all the liquid, was disected to reveal the superabsorbent polymers inside. Click here for a photo. The control diaper worn for the duration of the experiment also absorbed the contents of the tester's sippy cup consumed earlier that morning. The volume absorbed was considerably less than four sippy-cups worth. No trip to the baby urologist required.

Accelerated Oxidation
For this test, a single diaper was introduced to an ignition source to determine it's properties of flamability. The tester sought supervision from his Dadda for this experiment, while Momma observed with an annoyed look. The diaper was placed on a sheet of aluminum foil on the backyard family barbeque. A lighted match was placed in the tushy area of the diaper while Dadda stood by with a pitcher of water in case things got out of control.

Results: It took several seconds for the diaper to fully ignite. At first, there was just smoke as the plastic coating melted. The paper and fabric then slowly burned in a dull orange flame. It took several minutes for the entire diaper to catch on fire. Click here for a photo. The burning happened so slowly that Dadda became bored with the experiment and doused the flames to extinguish the smoldering diaper. The control diaper worn by the tester remained dry and clean throughout the test and safely away from the flames. The control diaper, however, was unable to extinguish the burning sensation caused by a case of diaper rash acquired a few days earlier. The sound of the water pouring on the burning diaper did induce the tester to wet myself. The liquid was acceptably contained.

Applied Gravatational Fields
Can a diaper protect a falling bottom and any messy contents therein? For this experiment, a store-bought Grade A chicken egg was wrapped in a diaper and dropped from the second floor of our townhome down to the carpeted basement via an open stairwell.

Results: The egg broke. What, are you surprised? But the yolk, shell and egg whites were all neatly contained without the diaper leaking or rupturing onto the basement carpeting. Click here for a photo.The control diaper worn by the tester did experience a drop of approximately 18 inches during the experiment. This gravitational accelleration was caused by the tester having an oopsie on his bottom when running across the kitchen floor to get an egg out of the refrigerator. As in the case of the subject diaper, the control did not rupture or leak after the fall and actually provided a protective padding to the aforementioned tushy preventing any unnecessary tears.

Dactylographic Assessment
Can a diaper write Shakespeare? Applying classic theories of probability, as redirected from Emile Borel's theorems, this experiment was designed to determine whether or not an infinite number of diapers sitting at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time could replicate a work by William Shakespeare.

Results: Given that the tester was only supplied with a "Jumbo" pack, containing 34 diapers, testing the infinite theorem proved impractical. However, it was observed that a single disposable diaper, after being placed in front of a computer for 40 minutes, did not demonstrate any keyboarding capabilities. For an additional 40 minutes, the diaper was left in front of the keyboard with a volume of Shakespeare's plays open and in visible sight. No change could be identified. Click here for a photo. It is therefore concluded that a disposable diaper cannot write Shakespeare. The control diaper remained comfortably fitting during the course of this experiment but failed to contain an odor emitting from what Shakespeare might have referred to as a "poopie in thine pants." Which leads me to believe that a Pampers^® by any other name would still smell as stinky.

Quantam Diapers
I call this final experiement "Schroedinger's Diaper." Based on a classic thought experiment used in quantam mechanics to describe the superposition of subatomic particles, this test evaluated whether or not a disposable diaper can exist in multiple states simultaneously. For the experiment, a clean diaper was placed into a sealed box with a precariously balanced sippy cup full of water. Also sealed in the box was a kitty cat. If the kitty cat freaked out, the liquid would spill and soil the diaper. If the kitty cat stayed calm and took a nap, as she does most of the time anyway, the liquid would not spill and the diaper would remain clean. Because there are no external indicators of the two possible outcomes, at the moment before the lid is opened the diaper is both soiled and clean.

Results: The cat was too fast and too wiggly for me to get her in the box. So a stuffed polyester replica of a kitty cat was sealed in the box instead. Click here for a photo. When the lid was opened, the pretend kitty cat had not moved, the water had not spilled and the diaper remained clean. The control diaper worn during the experiment had meanwhile become soiled by the tester. However, the diaper did such a good job of containing any leaks that the tester's Dadda didn't even notice I was badly overdue for a diaper change. When Momma pointed this out, Dadda refused to acknowledge his neglect. Therefore, the diaper was both soiled and clean at the same time, proving the ability for a disposable diaper to exist in two different states simultaneously.

Summary of Findings
Pampers^® Baby Dry™ diapers hold a lot of liquid -- more than any human baby can put out in a reasonable time period. They burn slowly but do not extinguish diaper rash. They are well padded and protect your tushy while preventing rupture. They do such a good job of keeping babies dry, they can be both clean and soiled at the same time. What they can't do is write Shakespeare.

I would say Pampers^® Baby Dry™ diapers are so comfortable and absorbent, that one wonders why potty training is even necessary. I see Dadda always having to get up from in front of the TV or Momma having to stop the car to go to the potty. Meanwhile I can sit for hours and never have to move thanks to my Pampers^®!

Rating
Preferred Choice -- Highly recommended

~:O

Toddler Tunes

That's me in the picture drawing on the front steps of our house. I like drawing and coloring and many of my admirers fancy me quite the artist. But I believe I am also blossoming as a music afficianado as well.

Dadda has always played lots of classical music for me. I like to listen to music on the little radio in my room, in the car and at home while I play. And when there isn't music playing, I love to sing and dance all on my own. Yes, I love my fair share of Mozart, Brahms and Bach. I especially love Khachaturian's Sabre Dance from his ballet Gayane. But I'm not a total music snob (like Dadda). There are lots of pop bands out there working hard get the attention of us toddlers for more than 20 seconds at a time. And some of them are actually pretty good. Here are my thoughts on a few of them:

The Laurie Berkner Band
Laurie Berkner is the reigning queen of the alternative toddler rock scene. Her biggest success came with the smash hit "Victor Vito" that served to catapult her squarely into the mainstream. Laurie sings and plays guitar, although she often writes songs just above what seems to be a comfortable register for her otherwise rich, silken voice. She is backed up by keyboards (Susie Lampert) and bass (Berkner's husband Brian Mueller). I love her self-titled DVD that contains "Victor Vito," along with updated versions of "We are the Dinosaurs," "I'm Gonna Catch You" and "Pig on Her Head." Berkner's songs are firmly rooted in the American summer camp tradition. Her playful lyrics are set to persistently cheerful melodies that rise and fall, start and stop, with joyful surprise. The result is a truly original and sanguine sound world that can be enjoyed by the whole family.

I have watched Berkner's colorfully choreographed DVD on a regular basis for several months now. And the free bonus CD has been in regular circulation in the car as well. My enjoyment of these albums is surely testing the durability of the media they are imprinted upon. Meanwhile, I can tell Momma and Dadda enjoy Berkner's songs as well. Even though they groan quietly each time I request "Catch You" or "Dinosaurs" I often hear them singing along. Or worse, I catch them singing a few refrains to themselves when the music isn't playing and they think I'm not listening.

Ralph's World
In searching for an alternative to the songs of Laurie Berkner, Momma got me a DVD containing the music of Ralph (aka Ralph Covert). Ralph's World is the children's album Garth Algar never recorded. Covert, a slightly nerdy Stratocaster-playing minstral, wreaks of a thirty-something rocker whose dreams of landing it big in the world of grown-up rock never panned out. Somehow, Covert happened upon his own unique style of toddler rock that has me totally hooked.

His DVD, made up of two-minute musical vignettes, only runs about 15 minutes, but it's just the fix I need after a diaper change. He's able to capture diverse musical stylings -- whether it's channelling Bob Bogle in "Surfin' in My Imagination" or borrowing from Ringo Starr in "At the Bottom of the Sea" -- while his lyrics speak directly to the pre-school emotional experience. And Covert's edgy, grooving riffs are truly infectious. Like Berkner's video, Ralph's World equally demands that you get up off the floor and dance. And it's even more fun dragging Momma and Dadda from the couch to make them dance, too!

The Wiggles
Based in Australia, the Wiggles are a quartet of "entertainers" in colored shirts that have caused an international sensation. I don't quite get it. Momma got me one of their early videos on DVD with the hope of finding a way to break the spiraling Laurie Bernker/Ralph's World cycle. Unfortunately, what these guys lack in talent, they also lack in personality, charisma and intelligence. In this particular DVD, the Wiggles -- Greg, Murray, Jeff and Anthony -- look eerily detached with a glassy has-my-career-really-come-down-to-this? look in their eyes. The Wiggles appear to enjoy performing the songs as much as grown-ups enjoy listening to them. The surprise appearances from supporting characters such as Officer Beaples and Captain Feathersword are similarly disheartening, if not downright creepy.

The music is utterly basic. The production values are on par with community television. And the subject matter is often completely moronic. But if you let yourself get swept away, the experience can be quite a lot of fun. Flapping, jumping and swinging along to the motions of each song provides a decent outlet for the extra energy us toddlers often have. But I know how much Momma and Dadda hate these guys, so I really just get a rise out of making them put in the DVD and dance along with me. Hey, a toddler's gotta have some fun, right?

~:O

Huggies Overnights

Unlike my previous "diapereports," this edition actually focuses on diapers. This week mom starting dressing me in a special diaper at night. They're called "Huggies Overnites."

First of all, let me say that these diapers are luxurious. They have a nice flexible waistband and extra padding in the tush. They have a Lion King theme printed all over them which is pretty irrelevant since I wear them under my sleeper and in the dark.

But the most remarkable feature of these diapers is their absorbency. They would surely hold lots and lots of that blue fluid they show in the commercials. Needless to say, these diapers absorb lots and lots of my mess while I sleep.

And because these diapers are so good at wicking away my unmentionables, I sleep so much better. I've been able to sleep in for 11 hours or more ever since I started wearing these! Maybe mom and dad finally figured out that babies don't sleep as long when lying in puddles of their own wee. OK, that didn't happen every night. But with these nicer diapers, I'm definitely sleeping better. I bet I was forced to wear those cheaper diapers because dad didn't want to spend more money on these nicer ones. I guess my wet tushy just wasn't important enough to him.

I wonder if Huggies makes a diaper just for long car rides. I love car rides. And I'd love them even more if I could ride around in a such plush diapers. I would call them "Huggies for Buggies!"

~:O

My Baby Can Talk

I haven't been feeling well the last couple days. Seems like I picked up a little bug at day care. I have sniffles and a fever and feel pretty rotten. I've gotten some tasty purple medicine to make me feel better and lots of love from mom and dad. But the best medicine seems to be chilling out in front of the TV.

Mom and dad try not to let me watch very much TV. And there's no TV at day care. But when I'm sick and fussy, TV is very calming. It's the only thing that makes me forget about how lousy I feel. One might say television has sort of a numbing effect. That's me in the picture watching TV in my rocking chair with my friend Herman.

Recently, I started watching a new video called My Baby Can Talk: First Signs. It's supposed to teach me sign language. As the box says: "Babies are able to communicate at a much earlier age than they are able to speak." In other words, mom and dad can't understand what I'm saying to them, so they need to teach me these silly signs. I communicate just fine. It's mom and dad who should be watching videos on how to understand baby.

That being said, I like watching this sign language video. There's a nice lady who shows all the signs and explains what they mean. There's also a little baby who makes the signs too, but she sets the bar pretty low for the rest of us babies. Then there are lots of pictures of animals and food and more of that annoying baby music. I think mom and dad are hoping that if I watch the video enough, I'll start making signs when I'm hungry or tired rather than doing what they perceive as random crying.

The video teaches useful words like "eat," "drink" and "dinosaur." It shows the sign for "cat" which is nice, but I can already say "kih," thank you very much. My favorite sign is for the word "car," of course, because I love car rides. But the video leaves some things out that I really need to know how to say. Words like "poop," "TV" and "neglect." In fact, a video on semaphore would probably be much more useful. At least I could use flag signals for people outside my window to come and rescue me. Meanwhile, I'll keep watching my sign language video and see if I can get mom and dad to understand me. Getting them to do what I want will be another story.

~:O

The Maryland Zoo

Today I'm introducing a new feature on diaperlogue called "diapereports." I hope these reviews will provide helpful insights, from a baby's perspective, on toys, books, videos and other baby-friendly activities. Reviews will offer a good rating: "a Pacie"; or a bad rating: "a Stinky Diaper". I offer this rating system as I'm not coordinated enough to give a simple thumbs up or thumbs down that could be reliably discerned.

This first edition of "diapereports" focuses on the Maryland Zoo in Baltimore. You see, I have this favorite video I like to watch. It's a Baby Einstein video called Baby MacDonald: A Day on the Farm. It features lots of animals walking around. So mom and dad thought I should get to see some of these animals in person. So today, we all got in the car and took a ride to the zoo.

The outside of the zoo is pretty drab looking. The parking lot was in pretty bad shape. My stroller bounced so much on the uneven ground I thought I was going to spit up. I bet the parking lot of the Beirut Zoo has fewer holes in it.

When we got to the entrance, mom and dad forked over a hefty admission, but I got in for free. As is typical, dad doesn't take me anywhere that he needs to buy me a ticket. Cheapskate.

Walking in the front gate, I was looking forward to seeing all the animals. But it took us a while to find any. First we went to the Children's Zoo. It featured animals from the Maryland habitat. There were some ducks and turtles, but I didn't see any kitty cats. If they live in our house, surely they'd have some at the zoo. I like kitty cats. I call them "kih" for short.

The best part of the Children's Zoo was this big barn with farm animals. Just like in my video. I got to see a real life cow up close. He was big. He smelled bad, too -- like way worse than one of my messy diapers. In fact, the cow didn't use any diapers. He just made his business right there in the ground. And his messes were really, really big.

Then mom said, "Oh, look at the jackass!" I turned around to look for dad. But mom was referring to the actual jackass walking around his pen. He came up to the fence and let me touch his nose. That's me in the picture touching the jackass's nose. It was wet and soft.

There were also chickens, turkeys and pigs. But most of them were too shy to come anywhere near me.

We left the children's zoo and went to walk around the rest of the park. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. We walked to the African exhibit. Baltimore is a long way from Africa. There were a couple funny looking birds and other animals just standing around and eating grass. Most of them were too far away for me to really see them. Mom and dad kept pointing to things, but I couldn't really tell what. All those animals just blend in to the background.

We went to see the lions. I was excited because I like kitty cats. But they were all sleeping or hiding. I didn't see them at all. Then we went to see the cheetahs. More kitty cats! But they were also hiding or too far away for me to see them. So we walked over the hippos instead. Those guys are so big, dad thought I would get to see them for sure. But they too were all sleeping inside their special house.

Wild animals sure do sleep a lot. All these sleepy animals made me want a nap.

Before we left Africa, I did get to see a couple giraffes. They were really tall. I guess when you're that tall, it's too hard to lay down and sleep. So they were awake and walking around. That's me in the picture checking out the giraffes. I wanted to pet them, but mom wouldn't let me.

After walking through a few more sleeping animal exhibits, it was time to go home. We got to take a special tram out of the park. I liked the tram. It was like a big car ride, and I love car rides. That's me in the picture on the tram playing with mom's Coke bottle. Maybe mom should have given her Coke to some of the animals so they wouldn't be so sleepy.

Overall, I was not impressed with the zoo. I don't think mom and dad were either. The exhibits were all pretty lame, even when the animals weren't sleeping. And the whole place is pretty shabby. Even the pig sty wasn't worthy of its name. Maybe when I'm a little older I can appreciate a zoo more than I did today. But by then, I hope mom and dad will take me to a nicer one.

~:O